||[Feb. 18th, 2006|09:53 pm]
Wow well I'm not very consistent with this but I doubt really anyone reads it (besides lisa cuz I know she does)
My dating life.
Well me and Kaitlyn broke up. Let me give you the story. The best relationship I had, It lasted for- over 7 months which technically is my longest most meaning ful relationship ever. I loved her so much. I mean I HATE KIDS! but one day she held our friends son in her arms. I still remember the look in her eyes, my heart sank. I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life and That I wanted to have a baby with her. Sounds crazy right? Sometimes I cry when I remember the calming look she gave me while she gave a laugh and showed her beautiful smile. I miss the corny lines I said to her and the "encounters" we had. But then I ruined it. I suffer from BI Polar Disorder and PTSD (post trumatic stress disorder) which means I produce more negative chemicals than positive putting my body into a state of depression. My body believes so much that I begin to hear things or become suicidal. I'm functional during thoese times but with PTSD I'll be rememided of trumatic events that took place in my life (Parents,Friends, Abuse, Sharyl's death ect) I begin to cutt myself to make sure I'm alive because with all these negitive feelings I get so numb. Then i'm too sick to take care of myself so i go to a hospital. I don't have much of a choice for these things and honestly I feel great but there's a big possibility i may go thru it again maybe in a few months, a few years, 10, 20 years from now. no one knows.
But back to what i was tallking about. I had an episode. I went into the hospital for over a month. My biggest fear was scaring kaitlyn or losing her. My biggest mistake was not telling her enough. I told her we needed a break not because i didn't want her, but because I didn't think i'd make it out alive. That nite I had to be restrained and had a needle injected into my left ass cheek. It was a tranquilizer called throzine. I told her I'd call her when I got better.
I was relised home and Kaitlyn was not the first person I called, She wasn't the second in fact i didn't call her at all because I still felt suicidal. I saw her in the mall. I wanted to tell her everything, hug her, kiss her and love her all over again. Why didn't I? God I wish I talked to her about my feelings and my thoughts. I should have said " Kaitlyn I love you but I'm still not safe, I wanna wait and make sure I'm okay before I EVER put you thru something like that again." But i didn't. I went back in, she moved on, and I lost the love of my life. I tried to get her back, but she had already developed dating. And from what I hear she was smoking pot alot with this kristen girl and having sex by the second week of dating.
To hear that killed me and still tears me up.
She made it obvious she didn't want me back. I was so hurt but who could blame her? I wouldn't get back with some crazy mother fucker that is suicidal and might kill herself one day. I finally accepted her decision and moved on my self.
I met a girl named cassidy.
When I first met her we were 10 years old, we were working on a church doing community service, then we went to church camp. not too long ago she contacted me. we met up and she was great, funny smart, cute as hell. It wasn't untill the day after her b-day that I decided to try a relationship I mean we went out on countless dates. She's amazing, I'm sooo happy. I love her. we made such a connection and we're still together. But, Kaitlyn and I hung out recently. She told me a few things about Kristen I didn't like and after that she broke up with her.
We hang out and I miss her, alot. she said she'd wait for me. But I don't know what to do. I care about Cassidy sooo much. but i miss kaitlyn.
I wanna say Kaitlyn when I said I feel stupid around you I meant stupid in love. You think it's soo cute when i'm dumb, and I love it. That's what I meant.
Sharyl, help me with this. I don't know what to do.
Where's the proof of love?
I'm goin to bed.
Love You Li-